I thought I'd have a go at standup

I realised that I can't actually tell jokes but I've been sat here scripting a voice audition for my university radio which launches soon. I've decided to give up on trying to be funny and find out why Pete Doherty hasn't been in the news as much lately.
He appears to be off the crack! But he's got a couple of court dates coming up soon. What's the bet he gets let off again?
Apparently, drinking eight cups of tea a day can help reduce heart attack and stroke risk. That still doesn't make me like the stuff. I stopped drinking tea when I was about 5 because the stuff disgusts me. I don't like coffee either but I won't say no to a frappuccino or a hot chocolate.
I've just been getting myself all updated on the We Are The Physics do abouts. There's no more gigs left this year (Boo) but that's because they are bringing out some new stuff. Soon I hope! I really miss those crazy guys so it'll be good to have them back on the scene!
My biscuit of the week is Hobnobs and that's not because they have a 'nob' in them. They are like flapjacks in biscuit form. I've just gone and ate half a packet and after that I have none left!
Anyway, look out for my podcast, this audition thing I'm doing is bugger number one. And it's probably not going to sound like a podcast would if Frankie Boyle did one.
Now I'm going to get back to my script. Thanks for keeping reading kiddies.